You were afraid of rains and I wasn’t
So I thought I could be there for you and you won’t be frozen
Even when we can’t see each other I made sure to text
So in any case my dear friend is not vexed
Still now, I miss what we lived together
But then I take a nap and feel better
Sorry but I can’t choose to stay
You had a plan but I was leading my way
Just know that my heart skips a beat when I think of us
I wish we never started as friends and you were still a stranger on the bus
Sometimes it kills me when I can’t tag you in memes
But I think you’re doing pretty okay without me from what it seems
You sure know how to cut people off when you’re not in pain
But let me tell you this is so inhumane
Photo Source: Tumblr.
Which part of life is more acceptable: The part when everything ‘seemed’ to be impeccable and you were contended or the part when things got uncovered and all you had was the truth and the pain of deception. Which one is preferable? And which one would you prefer to live in? The chapter of life where your happiness feeds on lies or the chapter where the truth slowly condemns you to death?
Lies are what we thrive on. The truth sends shivers up your spine, whirls itself around you and grips on you tight until you’re strangulated. This truth will bless you with its venom and in seconds it will implode you into the tinniest pieces as if you were all glass. We all wish for nothing but the truth but nobody wished for what came along. The agony. The agony which torments you until you regret your knowledge of the truth.
You needed the truth but you never wanted it. You feel asphyxiated and miserable. But above all, who got freedom without embracing pain? I’ve been running since long, running faster than I think I can and with every pounce I took it got worse. So here I am, bewildered… What damages more? The honesty of the liar or the dishonesty of the victim?
What is worse: The truth or the denial?
Who is worse: The liar or the denier?
I feel ‘someone’ stitched up my eyes and opening them tear my stitches apart and it hurts, a lot. It is like my eyes shut close before my soul was completely wasted when it saw the brightest light.. the truth of the brightest light. My brightest light.
But what awful is if that ‘someone‘ is myself!
Truth is horrible but my frailty is more horrible. My frailty to accept the truth. Didn’t I think I was strong?
Photo Source: Tumblr.
I felt as if a flame flickered inside of me and with your presence it became steady
I felt as if you suddenly became more important than my favourite teddy
I felt as if you tried suffocating me but I breathed better
I felt you were cold but were warmer than my red woven sweater
I felt you offered me a cage but it smelled like freedom
I felt I was healing but my wounds were bleeding
I felt you pushed me into the dark yet I shone the brightest
I felt your words were too heavy yet they felt the lightest
You played your mucky games on me yet I enjoyed the most
I felt I knew where I was yet I was so lost
Photo Source: Google.
You saw my skin
But did you see the scars and what they were saying?
You saw me moving my lips
But did you hear my heart screaming?
You saw me cold and in the dark
But did you think what I was fearing?
You did see me in triumph and in happiness
But did you know with what grief I was cheering?
You lied to me
But did you ask why I wasn’t complaining?
I felt like I had stones on my chest
But can you imagine how much were they weighing?
You could have done something, could have tried
But I don’t understand why weren’t you trying
Why weren’t you trying?
The hardest piece of advice I have ever received goes like this: “Never use anyone else to dilute your own loneliness”.
via Love Like The Dark — A Short Conversation
Ending a relation or a friendship that held value to you is difficult. Making yourself lose someone could be hard because you invested your time and energy into it and in a matter of hours, days and months it goes to waste. The feeling afterwards is extremely devastating. In any case, not each individual in your life is intended to remain. It damages and corrodes you and it hurts a little but it is okay, and if it is not it will be because not every rain outrages a flood. There comes a moment when you realise that you’ve been illuded and used by someone important yet at the same time you cling onto them since it is less challenging that way. I had believed in the axiom that ‘No relationship is perfect, it’s up to you how you make it work’ but in actual fact what you need to know is that a person who authentically cares for you will make efforts multiple times and won’t give up on you, efforts that can be seen and that you can count. A relationship cannot work if love, care, adhesion and most importantly sincerity flows one way.
People change. They get uninterested so facilely. I have struggled many times to preserve certain amities but sometimes the best you could do is to end it. However.. I still, am discovering my ways to culminate it completely. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid that one day I’ll wake up with stories to tell but there would be no one who would listen to it. I never wished to be the person who would sit apart in the awful solitude at parties or in school but later I perceived that to be in that solitude is a blessing.
I have billions of friends until I need them. It’s hysterical how you find time to message me when you need me, when life is not being nice to you, when you can’t bring yourself to stand and fight but when all the flowers bloom for you, when you find all your paths and when you have things to celebrate I never get to know about them. It’s like you ignore me but then require me later on. It feels like an apostasy. It’s like me and a tissue paper benefiting the same purposes on Earth. There have been times I said to myself ‘No matter what, I always have to be there for her because that’s what friends do’ But this time I’m not your friend anymore and I’ll make sure I’m not there for you when you need me.
I realised that this bond we shared was dishonest, insincere and manipulative or maybe it never really existed. But it was too hard to confront the reality. I was reluctant to be alone and couldn’t muster the courage to swallow the truth. I unseen it when my eyes saw it, I unsaid it when my lips said it, I unknown it when my soul kenned it. But now I’ll unfriend you when my heart ached it.
You didn’t have to make me feel special when you wanted to but when I wanted it and when I needed it. I gave you too much and you were undeserving. I lifted you up in the sky and you forgot the touch of the ground. I made you fly and you forgot to crawl. You didn’t have to stoop so low. It was crucial for me to know my grounds that being alone is thousand folds better than to be in a relationship that is unsatisfying, sordid and anxiety producing. To be on your own is not easy but at the end it’s productive and worthful. You have to prove yourself that you require only YOU to take care of yourself. You have to make yourself less available to certain people and more to yourself. However, the good memories doesn’t have to fade when the relation does.
All my friendships dissolved gradually. Some people are not good for you no matter how much you love them and it is time to let go of them, time to give yourself and your soul a treat. So stop sniveling and fight yourself for yourself because if it’s not today it never will be any other day.